


In a heartbeat

by 19twentyone



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Soonhoonfest Round 1, edited ver, tw: character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-08-16 08:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8095108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/19twentyone/pseuds/19twentyone
Summary: Alternatively titled:Lee Jihoon's Everything is Kwon SoonyoungSummary:People appreciate someone's importance when they're already gone. But Lee Jihoon and Kwon Soonyoung is a special case.Prompt #34 - Red Velvet "Dumb Dumb"





	

**Author's Note:**

> For SoonHoon Fest Round 1
> 
>  
> 
> [edited and rewritten some parts]  
> Posted: September 20, 2016  
> Edited: April 6, 2017

**I'm thinking hard all day because of you**

**But I still don't know what to do with you.**  

Melancholy and darkness loomed over the grey skies as Jihoon peeked outside the glass windows. He caught a glimpse of raindrops cascading down the skylight. Even the sky was crying, Jihoon heaved a sigh. The room was slightly dim with only golden antique chandeliers illuminating the small venue. The sound of the rain hitting the roof, the women’s muffled sobs, people’s shaky breaths, and a man's booming voice on the speakers were the only things filling up his ears. He glanced around, his friends beside him, his family at the leftmost corner, and some people he didn't know. The priest called for his name, he slightly shivered.

He slowly stood up, shutting his eyes as the metal chair scraped across the floor, and opening them once again as he sauntered forward. He earned a pat on the back as he passed by his friends.

"It's going to be okay." Seokmin smiled. Jihoon had always cherished Seokmin's smile. It was so full and bright, sunny even. It was infectious, so genuine but today, it was nothing like that. Jihoon gave him a nod and continued walking up to the front.

With careful steps, Jihoon walked towards the podium. He looked at the audience and down to the crumpled paper on his palm. He reached below for his handkerchief on the right pocket of his crisp black American suit and held it tightly in his clammy hands.  
  
Jihoon let out a loud sigh, audible enough that it reached the microphone.

"Soonyoung and I first met at the beach in Busan. He was there with his family for a vacation, I think. He was a fat, dark skinned kid who kept on asking me to build sand castles with him." Jihoon slightly chuckled at the memory.

 

_“Hi.” Jihoon looked up. His eyes caught of a kid smiling at him, probably the same age as him, he was bigger in size, definitely bully-material. He goes back to throwing a handful of sand at random bypassers and catches a glimpse of the kid plopping down beside him._

_“Do you want to build sand castles?” The kid chirped, his voice was high pitched and Jihoon scooped up the pile of sand in his palm and threw them at the kid’s direction. He was about to scoop another handful of sand when the crazy kid showed him the largest grin he had ever seen. This kid sure is weird._

_“You’re so cute.” The kid complimented but Jihoon felt insulted._

_“Go away!” Jihoon shouted at him and went back to throwing sand. He saw the kid having difficulties standing up and Jihoon was about to bully him for that but he suddenly turned around and left. Jihoon heaved a sigh of relief._

_Jihoon was busy enjoying the screams of terror from his victims when he felt a light tap on his shoulder._ _He was ready to growl at the person but he saw the fat kid again._

 _“What are you smiling at?” Jihoon spat. He was getting annoyed by all of this kid's smiling._   _But Jihoon's annoyance gets masked with the small smile his lips are showing. This fat kid is quite infectious, Jihoon thinks to himself._

_“My dad bought one for you!” The kid offered a popsicle. Jihoon squinted his eyes, reluctant to take the popsicle from a stranger's hand._ _His mom had always reminded him to never accept food from a stranger._

_Jihoon looked at the kid as he kept on eating his own popsicle, while the one on the kid’s left hand was already dripping from the heat. “Well, mom did tell me to never waste food.” Jihoon thought to himself as he took the popsicle._

_“What’s your name?” The fat kid asked him as they started building the castle._

_“Jihoon.”_

_“I’m Soonyoungie.” He suddenly chuckled and Jihoon found himself laughing along._

 

 

"I honestly didn't think I'd enjoy being with the gullible kid that he was. He was always fascinated whenever a crab passed by, always got distracted when the waves crashed the shore. We never even finished the castle. I had so much fun that we didn't realize the sun was already setting. His sister came and told him that they were leaving soon and for the first time that day, I saw Soonyoung's smile falter. I stood up first then helped him up too and he kept holding my right hand in between his squishy ones. "We'll get to meet each other again, hoonie. Trust me." Soonyoung flashed me his signature smile and I found myself nodding along. We were ten years old at that time and I already trusted hin." Jihoon smiled as he reminisced of the said memory.

 

**Your eyes take my breath away and confuse me**

**It makes my rational senses scatter away**

 "Three years after that, we coincidentally met again, at the beach—again. If you wondered how we still managed to recognize each other, Soonyoung's eyes are still the smallest pair I've ever seen. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry, Mrs. Kwon." Jihoon chuckled.

If only Jihoon had said the truth he'd say that Soonyoung's eyes had always been mesmerizing and magnetizing. He always found himself getting lost in them. It was a weird habit but he wasn’t gonna let that one go.

"He kept on bugging me, following me everywhere at the beach, because I, the evil teenager that I was, pretended that I didn't know him. He kept on introducing himself. That his name was Kwon Soonyoung that I was Jihoon, his “Hoonie”, and I, of course, ignored all of these." The audience laughed and Jihoon smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.

"There must have been really something on me that he kept on asking me to be friends with him. Maybe I'm just that good looking." The audience let out a few smiles and this time, Jihoon went along.

"Even if I showed him that I didn't want to play with him, he continued talking to me. Whenever I pushed him away, he always replied me with a smile. He never gave up on me." He paused.

"But now h-he's suddenly... just gone..." Jihoon whispered inaudibly, his eyes passively staring at the framed picture below the stage.

 

_Senior year, high school, a blonde transferee suddenly came barging in to his classroom. His body was quite lean, his smile was charming, but his eyes felt oddly familiar. "Ah, I've found you." He smiled even more as he dashed through the chairs and towards the pink haired guy. And in a flash they looked at each other. Things changed of course, Soonyoung's hair now blonde, he's grown considering the fact that it has been six years since Jihoon last saw him. And yet there he was standing in front of him and his smile, that heart wrenching smile, was all Jihoon could think about._

 

"Soonyoung and I hit it off pretty badly in high school. I hated him with absolute conviction. I hated how smiley he was. I hated how optimistic he was. I hated how he'd make a fool out of himself just to make everyone laugh. I hated his entire being… But those things, that's the Soonyoung we’ve all grown to love, right?" He looked up and the audience slightly nodded. He lifted his handkerchief to wipe the tears that were trying to slip out of his ducts and continued on. 

"Apparently, Soonyoung loved annoying the life out of me. He always followed me everywhere and by everywhere, I mean everywhere. Be it in the classroom, the park, and the gym, the canteen, at the comfort room. He even joined the choir club I was in, even in the dance troupe. He’d sit at my table during lunch time. Even when I was studying at the library, he was there.” Jihoon huffed in annoyance but the small smile on his lips gives him away.

“One day, I was on my way home with him trudging close by, talking to me about something because he always does that, acts as if we're friends when in fact we weren't—yet."

"Maybe it was because of the gloomy weather or because of the low marks I got on calculus that I confronted him— more like yelled, but you get my point. I aggressively asked him to fuck off and go get a life and all of you can guess what he did next." Jihoon passively stared at the mic as he smiled sadly. He blinked his eyes and looked up to see Soonyoung's mom smiling at him and he reciprocated it.

"He showed me that goddamn cringe worthy, toothy grin he always had and said these words to me, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Every single day, he walked me home, even when I was absent, he still walked my path which was the absolute opposite of his. I don't know if he's an idiot or if he just really wants to be my friend, but either way, I found myself getting comfortable around him.” Jihoon smiled and this time it was sincere.

_“Hi, Lee Jihoon. Let's walk home?”_

_“Lee Jihoon! Wait up!”_

_“Lee Jihoon? Let's pass by the pizza place.”_

_“Lee Jihoon? Let's go home!”_

_“Lee Jihoon? Let's start our journey to your house!”_

_“Lee Jihoon? Let's race towards your home."_  

_“Lee Jihoon? Let's go!”_

_“YAH! KWON SOONYOUNG? Where were you yesterday?!”_

_“Ah, I'm sorry, I woke up late so I didn't go to school.”_

_“O-oh, okay.”_

_“Lee Jihoon?”_

_“Did you miss me that much?” Soonyoung teases and Jihoon thinks he deserved that kick._

 

**I’ve dreamt of a romantic movie**

**But your love always makes my palms sweaty.**  

“I remember it was our first year in college that I started acting strange towards him. I started to notice little things about him. Little things like how cute it is that his eyes would go missing whenever he smiles, how his red lips would pout whenever he doesn't get what he wants, how he lifts up his cap and messes with his hair and puts it back on whenever he felt nervous, how he had this own world whenever he made a choreographies. I, personally, didn't think he'd get that serious but when it comes to the things he loves, he puts everything to it and that's what made me adore him more.”

 

_“Soonyoung?”_

_“Soonyoung?”_

_“Soonyoung!” Jihoon yelled, successfully catching the other’s attention._  

_Soonyoung whipped his head up, meeting his best friend’s gaze._

_“Are you still mad at me?” Jihoon whispered worriedly, flipping his notes rapidly, trying to ease the tension. They were studying, at least Jihoon was, in the library. Their final exams just around the corner._

_“What? Jihoon, I already forgot about that.” Soonyoung chuckled as he ruffled Jihoon's lavender hair. Jihoon would lie if he hadn't slept properly for days because of that single mistake they had done._

_Exactly a week from today, Lee Jihoon kissed Kwon Soonyoung. Yes, they kissed, they locked lips inside their friend’s closet with the loud music blaring outside, breaths of alcohol, teeth clashing because of little to no practice, their tongues fighting for dominance. Jihoon would lie if he said he regretted it but that's what he reasoned with his friend. (I regretted it, we were drunk, hormones were off the roof, it's never going to happen again, and I didn't like it! Not even a single bit.)_

_“What's gotten you into serious mode? You're not even like this in our Psychology class and that's your worst subject.”_

_“Excuse me? I excel in that class, the teacher just doesn't notice my potential.” Soonyoung exaggeratedly replied which made Jihoon scoff but that playful side dissipated as fast as it appeared._

_“Jihoon? I have something to ask.”_

_“Yeah? Sure, what is it?” Jihoon worriedly asked._

_“Do you, perhaps, like guys?” Jihoon felt like he had gulped one liter of saliva as soon as he heard Soonyoung spout the question._

_“Wh-what?”_

_“I mean, I think I like guys, I think. I’m not sure yet. How would you feel if I said I was bisexual?” Jihoon let out a sigh of relief, partly because of Soonyoung not knowing he was in love with him and partly because his best friend was into guys, which made his nonexistent chances to be with him look good._

_“Soonyoung, whoever, whatever it is that you love, I'm sure that it’ll be the most beautiful thing out there. Love has no gender.”_

_“Jihoon, you're making me cry.” Soonyoung leaned forward and engulfed Jihoon in a tight hug._

_“Ew, dude, you're so gay.” Jihoon complained._

_“But I am gay!”_

“Soonyoung started dating the guy who worked at the pizza place in front of our uni. He was a good guy, well at least to Soonyoung. He made Soonyoung laugh and that was okay. But when Soonyoung started cutting classes, started partying and going home late, I knew this wasn't the type of relationship he should be in.” Jihoon looked around the venue to search for the said guy and just as he suspected, he wasn't there.

 

_“Soonyoung? We need to talk.” Jihoon barged inside his friend’s room. It was 11:00 in the evening, the corridors long deserted, the only thing Jihoon could hear were his palpitations._

_“Oh, hey!” Soonyoung straddled off his boyfriend’s lap. They were making out, of course._

_“What do you need to talk about?” The guy asked._

_“None of your business.” Jihoon spat._

_“Yeah?” The guy smirked and stood up to walk towards Jihoon who was by the door. He was bigger than him, taller even, with a muscular build._

_“Hey, let me just talk with Jihoon. It will only take 5 minutes.” Soonyoung smiled trying to ease the tension around the two guys who mattered to him the most._

_“Soonyoung, let's talk outside.” Jihoon sighed and walked towards the exit._

_“Oh, I get it.” The guy laughed, Jihoon stopped walking._

_"You got what?" Jihoon spat, this guy just makes his blood boil._

_“You have a huge crush on Soonyoung.” The guy clapped his hands as if it was the best thing he's ever said. Jihoon's body went rigid, he doesn't turn around to face them. His feet firmly planted on the floor._

_“What does my love life have to do with this?” Jihoon spoke in gritted teeth, his back still facing them._

_“That's why you don't like me. You have a huge crush on my boyfriend. That's so cute.” The guy laughed and pointed at Jihoon mockingly. Soonyoung shushed him._

_“Jihoon is my best friend, stop talking about him like that.” Soonyoung growled. Jihoon has never heard Soonyoung speak up to his boyfriend like that._

_“So you're choosing him?!” The guy mused, clearly annoyed that Soonyoung talked back._

_“Just shut up. Your voice is adding to the pollution.” Jihoon turned around to look at them, half of his body outside the door._

_“You fucki-..”_

_“Stop! You're both acting like five year olds!” Soonyoung shouted._

_Silence filled the room, it was absolutely deafening._

_“Me or him?”_

_“What?” Soonyoung craned his neck to look at his boyfriend in pure confusion._

_“I said, me or him?! You can't just ignore that I hate his guts. I’m your boyfriend, you should choose me.” He shouted._

_“You're an asshole for making him choose.” Jihoon muttered._

_“What was that shorty? Didn't hear you from the wind up here.”_

_“Nice, very mature.” Jihoon retorted._

_“Jihoon.” Soonyoung croaked._

_“Good. Now go away, midget.” The guy muttered but Jihoon "accidentally" smirked._

_“I choose Jihoon.” Soonyoung repeated._

_“I'm sorry. What?” His boyfriend snarled, Jihoon felt bad for feeling good._

_“I choose Jihoon. I’ll choose Jihoon in a heartbeat.” Soonyoung spoke louder, voice clear and audible._

_“Fuck you.” His boyfriend stomped his way out of the room, not forgetting to shove Jihoon out of the way. Jihoon lets him go for that, even if he hated him, he pitied the guy. They both watched as the guy pushed every person out of his path._

_“Well, good thing, I got rid of that.” Soonyoung joked and Jihoon replied him with a smile._

_“So, you have a crush on me?” Soonyoung spoke as soon as the door slammed shut._

_"Uhhhh...." Jihoon wished he had gone with the jerk._

_“I'm sorry.” Jihoon spoke softly as he saw Soonyoung fall back on his bed. He was sorry for two things: for breaking his best friend’s relationship and for having a crush on said best friend._

_“Nah, it’s okay, the relationship was getting unhealthy plus he wasn't even handsome.” Soonyoung joked again. Jihoon gave him a curt smile for not pushing on the issue about his one sided crush._

_Jihoon knew that Soonyoung was forcing himself to be happy but if he was alone, he’d be crying right now. So Jihoon made sure his best friend would never feel alone._

**Like a mannequin, everything is so awkward.**

**I should just act like I do normally.**

“Soonyoung and I definitely knew there was some strange tension ever since his jerk ex revealed something that should not have been revealed. Finals were done but we both somehow found ourselves ignoring each other. It was getting really frustrating. Even our friends were complaining.” Jihoon chuckled, the audience smiled.

“We tried to ignore the awkwardness around us. We tried to laugh it off, we tried to hide the fact that something has changed. We never talked about it until one night.”

 

_“Yah! We need to attend Seungcheol hyung’s graduation party!” Jun barged inside Jihoon’s room. He was currently composing a song, the classes already ended and this will be his final one before he goes back to Busan for the break._

_“Jun, I’m composing.” Jihoon sighed, eyes not leaving his computer screen and he heard his friend trudge towards him._

_“You can compose next school year. This’ll be the last party we’ll be attending in our third year. Let’s have fun!” Jun persuaded._

_Jihoon decides to ignore him._

_“Soonyoung will be there.” Jun smirks and he sees Jihoon’s body go tense._

_It’s not like Jihoon hasn’t seen Soonyoung. Okay well, he hasn’t seen his best friend for two weeks since they’ve been too busy with their end of the year performances. And it's absolutely  not because of Soonyoung finding out that Jihoon has a crush on him, definitely not that._

_Jihoon removed his headphones and turned his swivel chair around to face the triumphant face of Jun._

_“You can be quite annoying sometimes. How does Wonwoo even put up with you?” Jihoon rolls his eyes but nevertheless stands up._

_“I’m too irresistible,” Jun snickers and leads Jihoon out of the door._

_It was already late when they arrived at the party. Jihoon heaved out a sigh as Jun tightly held his wrist and led him inside Seungcheol’s house. Jihoon wasn’t even sure if this was still their friend’s house. He was so used to visiting the place when everything was clean and organized._

_The party was in full swing by the time Jihoon finished his first drink of the night, the surrounding areas smelt of sweat, alcohol, vomit, and many other things that made Jihoon want to bail out. The alcohol numbed his body, the vibrations of the loud repeating music tingling his senses, and then his eyes focused on something, no, not something but someone._

_Jihoon found himself star struck by the dancer on top of the kitchen counter. The disco lights hitting his body angles perfectly. His fluid movements made the ear splitting noise background seem beautiful. Jihoon watched in awe as Soonyoung’s gaze met his. He felt the air leave his lungs and everything around him turned mute. Jihoon’s whole body went stiff when he saw his best friend direct a smirk at him. A string of curses flowed through his mind as he stared at how lewd Soonyoung’s dance was._

_Jihoon saw a guy climb up the counter, probably Seokmin, and started swinging his hips comically. The last thing he saw was Soonyoung laughing boisterously until the crowd blocked his view. He tried to tiptoe just to get another glimpse but he miserably failed. Begrudgingly, he gulped the last of his drink and dropped the cup on the ground._

_“Hey, sexy.” Jihoon whipped his head around as he heard that extremely familiar voice. A grin somehow appearing on the edge of his mouth because fuck, his best friend looked so hot right now—everyday, if Jihoon was sober._

_“You’re wearing your favorite tattered jeans.” Jihoon pointed out._

_“Yeah, do you like it?’ Soonyoung giggled and started showing of the holes, his fingers grazing on the exposed skin. Jihoon couldn’t help but stare at them. Soonyoung wore a white plain shirt paired with black leather jacket, the tattered jeans showing off an unnecessary amount of skin (one hole was dangerously close to his crotch and Jihoon wanted to faint). His brunette hair was up, showcasing his marvelous forehead. Jihoon wanted kiss the life out of him._

_“Are you done checking me out?” Soonyoung snickered and Jihoon’s face flushed bright pink, luckily the room was dimly lit but that doesn’t mean the blush went unnoticed. Jihoon responds with a silent curse and averts his eyes towards the dance floor but later regrets it when he sees Wonwoo and Junhui sucking faces with each other. Jihoon’s face scrunched in grimace._

_“What are you looki-…” Soonyoung turned around to look at where Jihoon’s sight was directed and he heartily laughed. Soonyoung stepped sidewards to block his view, Jihoon’s eyelids batted, partly because of the sudden proximity and partly because of his heart beating out of his ribcage._

_“Care to dance with me, Mr. Lee?” Soonyoung asks teasingly, his right hand asking for Jihoon’s._

_Jihoon smiles at the endearment._

_“Anything for Mr. Kwon.” Jihoon replies and clasps his left hand on top of Soonyoung’s._

_Jihoon felt extremely shy when Soonyoung dragged him to the center of the dancing crowd. Everyone was too busy either grinding on each other or just eating each other’s faces off. Jihoon looked at Soonyoung, his eyes pleading to take him out of here but the other was determined to dance._

_Jihoon felt like a fish out of water when Soonyoung started going along with the crowd while he was standing still, awkward and unmoving. Soonyoung teased him when he noticed that Jihoon wasn’t moving._

_“Stop being a stuck up and let go of all your worries, Mr. Lee.” Soonyoung leaned in, his breath hovered over his ears making him shiver._

_“I can’t.” Jihoon shouted through the loud music but he knew Soonyoung couldn’t hear him._

_“What?!” Soonyoung shouted back, leaning forward to listen to his words._

_"I can't dance!"_

_"I got eyes?"_

_"I can't dance!"_

_"I want mice?"_

_“I SAID! I can-..” Jihoon found himself staring at Soonyoung’s red luscious lips. He hadn’t noticed how close their faces were when the only thing he could focus on was Soonyoung’s lips. What he would do to feel those again._

_Their proximity was unbearable, one single push and their lips would latch. Soonyoung’s ears muted out the sound when he felt Jihoon’s breath dangerously hover over his lips. He notices that Jihoon's intently staring at his lips. Jihoon doesn’t back away and his eyes dart upwards to see how Soonyoung was doing. His eyes sparkling from the disco lights and they continue to stare at each other for what feels like forever._

_With his eyes locked on Soonyoung’s, Jihoon takes a small step forward. He wasn’t sure how his heart was capable of pounding so fast._ _He notices a small scar on the bridge of Soonyoung’s nose. For a fleeting moment he wonders how his best friend got it. Maybe Soonyoung scratched it himself or maybe Soonyoung bumped his nose somewhere. He wanted to know everything that happened to the boy that shook his entire life. And more than anything, Jihoon wanted to feel his lips on top of his. Jihoon placed his hand on Soonyoung’s cheek to caress the freckles he had always loved._

 _Jihoon finds enough courage and slowly leans his face forward, tilting his head slightly. He admits that he feels nervous but when he catches a glimpse of Soonyoung closing his eyes, everything falls into place._ _Just as the longing became excruciatingly unbearable, Jihoon’s lips met Soonyoung’s._

_The warmth of his mouth sending waves of electric current coursing through his body. Soonyoung slowly encircled his arms around Jihoon’s neck as he got lost in the other’s alcohol breath and soft lips._

_Jihoon fumbles for his keys he tries to open his aparent with Soonyoung showering him with heavenly kisses._

_“Soonyoung…” Jihoon moans as the other latches his lips on his neck, marking him._

_“I need to open the door, let me go!” The words come out in a rush when he feels Soonyoung grinding on his thigh. The latter smirks but nevertheless lets him go. Jihoon immediately turns around to open the god forsaken door. When it does he kicks it forward and Soonyoung pounces at him._

_“Fuck.” Jihoon curses as his bare back harshly hits the mattress with Soonyoung assaulting his neck and collarbones. Jihoon crosses his legs around Soonyoung’s hip, trying to grasp and feel the sudden influx of ecstasy._

_“Soonyoung, goddamn it, slow the fuck down.” Jihoon feels his jaw slack as he feels Soonyoung sharply grinding on top of him._

_“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung immediately pulls away and sheepishly smiles. He presses soft kisses on the love bites he's given him and Jihoon sighs in content. Soonyoung untangles Jihoon’s legs on his waist and pushed himself upward. Soonyoung lies on top of him, they're still half clothed. Jihoon smiles and encircles his arms around the other’s neck, their foreheads meeting._

_Jihoon finds himself lost again, lost in Sooonyoung’s deep brown orbs and he knows everything is perfect._

_“I love you.” Jihoon croaks out and his eyes widen at the realization. And before he could come up with useless reasons to deny his feelings, Soonyoung closes the gap and kisses him fervently._

_“I love you more, Mr. Lee, even more.” Soonyoung smiles and Jihoon pulls him in for another kiss._

 

**I can’t escape from you,**

**I hate you but I don’t.**

“I could come up with a ton of songs saying that it was definitely the best night of my life. Everything felt so surreal. I was happy. I was in love. We were in love. But all of that was put to an end when I woke up to an empty bed.” Jihoon softly muttered.

_“Hey, I just need to take care of some bills at the bank. I’ll be back before you know it. I love you, Mr. Lee. ~ KSY”_

_Jihoon knows where Soonyoung is, he knows but why does he have this odd feeling that something bad was about to happen, something that definitely wasn’t friendly._

 

_“Soonyoung pick up, pick up, pick up… pick the god damn phone up, you idiot!” Jihoon growled into the phone. His fingers roughly scratching the worn out edges of the kitchen table, his eggs and bacon burnt on the frying pan. The aroma was sickening but that wasn’t the reason why he felt like vomiting._

 

_First ring…_

_Second ring…._

_Third ring…_

_“Hello? Hey, baby. Why did you call?” Jihoon felt his knees go weak when he heard his voice. He almost cried when relief washed over his entire body._

_“I thought something bad happened!” Jihoon shouted to the other line, he was still feeling antsy. Soonyoung let out a laugh from the other line and Jihoon’s worry left him in a rush. He was glad Soonyoung was okay._

_“You’re so cute. Don’t worry! I’ll be back soon.” Soonyoung said to reassure his best friend. Jihoon nodded in agreement but soon realized that Soonyoung couldn’t see him so he mumbled a curt “okay.”_

_“Don’t worry too much, always remember that I was almost the country’s taekwondo representative!” Soonyoung boasted and Jihoon couldn’t help but roll his eyes._

_“Okay, fine, come back soon, okay?” Jihoon smiled._

_“I will and I have a surprise for you! ... Shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”_

_“Really now?” Jihoon replied amused by his lover’s mouth._

_“Well, what’s done is done… I love you, Mr. Lee.” Jihoon can feel Soonyoung’s smile radiating through his phone and he couldn’t help but chuckle._

_“I love you more, Mr. Kwon, so much more.”_

“Everything happened so fast after the call ended.” Jihoon wiped his tears away, his voice quivering from trying so hard to keep himself from crying.

“I didn’t know that it would happen, if only I did. I would’ve told him to go home and pay his bills the next day. I would’ve told him to stay put and don’t fight the robbers. I would’ve told him to stop what he’s doing and just come back to me. I would’ve but I didn’t.” Jihoon was now bawling, the tension in the chapel was thick. Everyone had their tinted glasses on, trying to hide their grief for the sudden death of their beloved.

 

_"Kwon Soonyoung." Jihoon choked back a sob, pure sorrow dripping in his voice. His heart ached, his body craved, his stomach churned. He never wanted this. He never asked for this._

_“Please, just let this be a dream.” Jihoon tries to convince himself but his voice fails him._

_Vision groggy, his eyes blurred and brimming with tears, he shifted his gaze towards the person sleeping soundlessly on the bed. He reluctantly raised his hand over the white sheet looming over his lover's body. His hands trembling and his knees wobbling. He wanted to run away. He wanted to be in Soonyoung’s warmth._

_"Wa-ke u-up. Please." His fingers grasped for the edge of the blanket and yanked it down forcefully. His eyes widened and he cupped his mouth, his feet stumbling backwards. His head hit the wall with a loud thud but his whole body felt numb to even feel physical pain._

_"W-why? Soonyoung?" His knees met with the floor as he gasped for air. Kwon Soonyoung, his sun, his best friend, his teammate, and his life was now lifelessly lying in front of him. Skin pale, body unresponsive. Jihoon screamed for the injustice that his lover had gone through._

_Jihoon thinks love is funny, how much pain he had dealt just to get through it. But now, staring at the lifeless body of the one person he dreamt to be alive with, nothing was funny._

 

The ceremony ended in a rush after Jihoon stepped off the podium. His friends had comforted him, his family, even strangers he never knew assured him that everything will be alright. But he knew himself that nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever be alright.

He stood alone in front of Soonyoung’s grave, his eyes following every curve of the writing on the cement.

_Kwon Soonyoung, a beloved son and friend_

_(June 15, 1996 – September 16, 2016)_

 

“JIHOON!! JIHOON!!! DUDE!!! WAKE UP!!!” Jihoon felt his entire body shaking from the force. He slowly opened his eyes and he was met with Jun’s face, worry etched all over his features.

“What the fuck!” Jihoon immediately stood up realizing what had just happened. Everything was just a dream. Oh my god, everything was just a dream.

“Dude! Did you have a nightmare? You were crying when I came here.” Jun held his shoulders and shook him once more. Jihoon pushed him away and Jun stumbled backwards. 

“WHERE IS SOONYOUNG?” He didn’t mean to shout but… he hears Jun snicker.

“He’s at the party of course.” Jun answered cockily, eyebrows teasing Jihoon.

"What party?"

"Seungcheol hyung's party! Yah! Did you forget?" Jun yells at him and Jihoon scrunches his nose all the while glaring at him.

“Why is your face like that?” Jihoon asked him, eyebrow curving up in judgement. 

“My face has always been handsome. Thank you very much.” Jun gushed over his own response and Jihoon rolled his eyes.

“You can be quite annoying sometimes. How does Wonwoo even put up with you?” Jihoon’s eyes widened as realization hit him. Déjà vu _. Fuck, was his dream a premonition? If Jun says he’s irresi-.._

“I’m irresistible.” Jun smirks and leads Jihoon outside.

 

And Jihoon realizes everything is up to him now. 

Everything is in his hands.

 

And by everything, he means Kwon Soonyoung.

 

**Don’t you “Leave me Alone”,**

**But you’re so ambiguous, I want “Black or White”.**

**I can’t give up on you, my “Man in the Mirror”.**

**Author's Note:**

> Probably the longest one shot I've written..
> 
> well, thank you for reading :)
> 
> talk to me on twitter: @LEEtheKWON


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